if Im really being honest with myself

I would like to be pregnant right now.But my cycle isn’t back.Well, I thought it was back? Maybe? I don’t know, you don’t need the details, but suffice it to say I had reason to be confused and as more time passes it’s looking like it’s not in fact back (and that is enough about that).With OBaby we felt ready to try, we tried, and we got pregnant. Those events were all on a 4 week time line. But right now? This? I think they call this the waiting game.I’ve never played the waiting game before, and frankly, it doesn’t feel like a game. It feels like watching the calendar and doing the +9 months math and praying that this is the month it comes back. It feels like knowing I should trust God and His perfect timing but deep down wanting His timing to just fit my timing, ok?It feels like I have been lifted out of the darkness that is postpartum depression, that I have seen the light and beauty of motherhood, and that I want more of it. I want to have the feeling of not being alone in my body. I want more of these wonderful moments as a family. I want to see DanO holding our newborn baby again. I want to see OBaby as a big brother.It feels like we came to a decision on what was once a daunting thing to consider but then it turned out we were wrong to think it was our decision at all.It feels like impatience.And I know. I know that this is not that. This is not longing and trying and praying and hoping and fearing for months and years and decades on end. I am grateful that by grace I have not known that struggle. But that does not negate the spiritual tug-of-war going on in my own mind and heart over this matter.If I’m really being honest with myself, I am thankful that I cannot be the one to choose. This motherhood thing is big. God knows just how big it is. He knows me and what I am capable of more than even I do. I trust that. I wish it were different, but I am happy to lean on the Truth that His ways are better than my ways.What peace that gives me, even as I count forward the months and yearn.::sigh::